Why so silent?

Where have I been after promising to update?

(I’ll try updating more but no promises. Forgive the grammar, sentencing structure, and spelling. I have not set time to put aside emotion, so this post is definitely ridden with emotion…let’s get on with it.)

Well to put it bluntly… My self-loathing peaked and my will to live was very low come Christmas time. I wasn’t depressed per se, I just didn’t want to be here anymore. I didn’t wanna die, I just didn’t wanna live. I didn’t feel like anything was worth it, I didn’t feel happy though there were moments where happiness was the correct emotion to supposedly surface. I was eating and breathing and bathing and eating but I was far from living.

I was also bored out of my mind and I had no strength to open a book and go through its pages. My only company was music wherein I found solace-or as close to solace as it could get.

I finally decided to give a game a try as I felt closer and closer to oblivion every single second that passed by. It’s a virtual reality game interacting with people from who knows where and it did get me busy and such.

I met people I can call friends. Although they are online and behind an avatar-thereby risking opportunity for them to undoubtedly hurt me if I let them in enough to be able to…So far I think, they’re worth that risk.

What has happened since the 20th of December?

I got addicted to the VR game

I got enrolled a new semester

I started healing from the catastrophe of the events that ensued last November

I started writing my thesis

I started becoming more Samantha again

I stopped being a zombie

I was able to laugh

I was able to joke about

I was able to regain control of my emotions for the most part

I returned to my responsibilities

I took preliminary exams

I joined Mimesis 2017 as Glinda from wicked

What made me write a blog post today?

Although I am way better now and feeling more like myself. A hint of depression hit. Though most would say I’m very much healthy to be depressed seeing as I have a good grasp of myself and what I need physically, mentally and emotionally; and I’m well aware of methods to stay away from depression; and I know how to handle stress and I know how to distract myself from anything that can trigger negative emotions….I also know being human and all, nothing can control such things when they hit.

Mine may be minor enough that those around me can have no clue but I battle every day with my self image, my self love. I battle to eat well, to sleep well. To smile and make others happy….or at least ease their burdens because that’s basically what makes me happy. Knowing I can help someone.

It’s been a recurring feeling for me to just gave up but I battle with that too and so far I have been able to hold the enemy back.

So many things circulate in my mind and people who surround me often forget or perhaps they had never known of how fragile I really am. How every little word muttered in whatever tone, any kind of action a person may thing I can or cannot see, everything unsaid, every silent sign…I notice. I always notice.

And I feel. And I overflow with emotion in reaction and response from everything.

Don’t take my silence for ignorance.

Physically, I can stay still pretend not to notice, pretend to go about my business….but people must understand as I do that my actions no matter how small can affect a person greatly.

I don’t express myself enough but it’s only because that’s my way of coping from whatever I am given.

I deserve applause for my acting. Braving on a strong front. Pasting my smile on my face enough times for even me to believe I am truly happy. But reality always needs to butt in and remind me of its existence.

I can try to escape but I will always be brought right back. Buuuuut I can live with that. I can continue fighting. I know a good handful who really do understand me and wishes me to stay, and for them I do. All I need is one person and I’ll guarantee the rest that I will not leave.

But the fight is no way easier than it was before. I can only handle it better and better at times but I recognize that it will always be there.

I’m a realist restraining the romanticist in me. I recognize the cold hard truth and yet still wish to believe a world wherein love triumphs over all.

It usually does, but love is nothing without action. And having a one-way relationship with love involved is a one-way ticket to crashing and burning of exhaustion.

I don’t know where I’m going with this. I just find release in writing. In putting my thoughts somewhere in a space wherein they can exist. It comforts me that I am real and living and breathing enough to share such thoughts and it ground me to an existence wherein I know I am a being among many.

And from there it helps me understand that someone may feel the same. Someone who may not know me might want to give me a hug, some stranger may want to confirm to me that I exist and being able to share such thoughts mean I should think myself important in the universe…or something along those lines.

Partly, I would also like to shout out to those who feel something close to what I do. I understand you. We aren’t the only ones. What I wanna say to you is that: if I can keep fighting, you can too. If I can still smile right now. You can too. You may suffer more than I do, but I still believe there a fight in you. Cause if there weren’t…you wouldn’t be here right now to read this.

Stay strong.

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