Fathers Day.

Having the complicated relationship with my biological father….well, I didn’t celebrate fathers day for him.

I celebrated the day for my grandpa, and my mom (who plays the role of both Mother and Father.)

I reflected a lot. Seeing girls my age honoring their fathers as super heroes who would sacrifice anything to make their daughters happy and for them to feel their love…I got pretty jealous. Still jealous of that kind of relationship.

BUT…I got thinking of the people I have in my life.

They fill the gap my father left in my heart.

My grandpa is my main father figure and I love him with all my life. He doesn’t have work but he does his best to give us what we may want or need when mama doesn’t have enough.

My mother is the dearest person in my life. I adore her and am at awe with her love for my siblings and She’s our provider who cares for us and pushes on despite all the difficulties in raising us on her own. As I’ve mentioned in an earlier post, my mama works long hours to bring us to school, provide us the basics and then some.

Then of course, our main father. God the Father Almighty. The father who never forsaken me. He had never turned away. He answers my prayers and I trust in him. I continuously am blessed with his love and protection. I can never be happier knowing I am God’s child and he is my papa. Though I cannot see him and many don’t believe that he is real; daily, I see little miracles that would be impossible if there weren’t someone real above. I feel his love and within myself, I truly believe that someone up there cares for me and just wants to love me despite my flaws and imperfections. He is my strength and guidance.

My grandpa, mommy and papa….I love you all so much. Thank you for everything!

Happy Fathers Day!

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Family problems

Hello people of the internet.

It has been a rollercoaster of experience these past few days. Some big things are happening in my life right now.

To start it off, my parents don’t live with each other. They separated when I was 3, but they aren’t divorced. It isn’t allowed in the Philippines. We only have annulment and legal separation.

Anyways, through the years, my father with the helpful nudge of attornys every now and again, reluctantly gave a share to my siblings’ tuition. Which really isn’t a lot because both my siblings are honor students. They both rank number one in their respectful grade levels.

My father (after the annual fight every Philippine summer) also gives us school supplies from the mini store of my aunt on his side.

Basically that’s his entire contribution for the three of us yearly. According to the law, that isn’t enough but since we have had financial problems for years, we never pushed through on hearings that would force him to properly support us.

But….last two weeks ago, my father made a stand refusing to pay even the little he already does. He blasted off so many lies and told his friends about how he was the one fully supporting us while our mother supposedly did nothing. He called us things as well as insulted my mother through us in a phone call. He said that we were better off not studying or if my mom wanted it so badly, she should take.my siblings out of private school and send them to public school. He said I should get out of my university as well and just go to a public college.

He doesn’t care that we want to receive the best education possible. This wasn’t the first year he tried to push us into changing schools. My mom refused. In all honesty, to get by well in this country, you must study in a private school. That is an advantage later on when you are trying to find work. Also you receive more opportunities in private school, more chances to learn. My father cares not for that.

It would’ve been somewhat understandable if my father was having financial problems too as he claimed. It would be believable if only he didn’t have the latest gadgets or if he wasn’t able to buy that new big flat screen tv or fix up his house and bathroom.

But what really got to me was his insults. I am very protective of my mother. She does everything she can to make us live comfortably. She is the bread winner in the family as well as the bread winner in the extended family with our grandparents and my two aunts who are struggling to find work.

Out of anger at my father having the nerve to talk so badly of my mama, I posted on Facebook. A message that explained everything. It was full of raw emotion, vulgar words and plain old truth. The opposite of this post. I’m A lot calmer and composed.

Everything that had bottled up since I was a child unleashed itself in the form of angry words. I posted it publicly because I wanted to let the people he lied to know what really is the truth.

The post was spun from hurt, frustration, disbelief and the sad feeling of being fed up.

Now my father is angry. Though he is angry about the message and focused on something I said instead of looking at why I said it and what could possibly had been the reason for such an outburst.

He still didn’t get it. I don’t know where this is going but my mother had started talking to an attorney and despite having no funds my mother insists that all three of us will still go to school this coming school year.

I don’t know how my mama is going to do it. Pay for all our tuitions as well as books and school supplies and transportation not to mention food. A lot is on her shoulders.

She refused for me to work though. She said that if I start earning money I may be too excited to still study, I disagree but she insist that I focus solely on studies.

Right now I’m trying to stay positive. Praying for guidance and for my mom. She works overtime and sells a little food on the side. My grandparents have no jobs but derives income from some land we lend out. They help somewhat lessen my mom’s burden though it isn’t really enough.

Everyone is sprung up and I’m losing a little sleep with worrying but the fact that we still have food on our table, a roof over our heads and electricity, water and Wi-Fi. We aren’t being forsaken by the only father I’ve turned to all my life. Despite everything going on, I know we can get through this.

A lot of people don’t believe in God but I’ve seen enough miracles in my life that I believe that there is no doubt someone up there is caring for us.

I’m uncertain of what is to come but I’m not so scared now. Everything I feel, I offer to God. My hurt and pain and anger, everything. As for my father, I offer prayers for him, hoping he could find understanding and maybe peace. I don’t know what to feel for him since our relationship was always strained and after years of being envious of my friend’s relationships with their dads…I don’t know. I’m just going to leave it all to faith and fate.