Family problems

Hello people of the internet.

It has been a rollercoaster of experience these past few days. Some big things are happening in my life right now.

To start it off, my parents don’t live with each other. They separated when I was 3, but they aren’t divorced. It isn’t allowed in the Philippines. We only have annulment and legal separation.

Anyways, through the years, my father with the helpful nudge of attornys every now and again, reluctantly gave a share to my siblings’ tuition. Which really isn’t a lot because both my siblings are honor students. They both rank number one in their respectful grade levels.

My father (after the annual fight every Philippine summer) also gives us school supplies from the mini store of my aunt on his side.

Basically that’s his entire contribution for the three of us yearly. According to the law, that isn’t enough but since we have had financial problems for years, we never pushed through on hearings that would force him to properly support us.

But….last two weeks ago, my father made a stand refusing to pay even the little he already does. He blasted off so many lies and told his friends about how he was the one fully supporting us while our mother supposedly did nothing. He called us things as well as insulted my mother through us in a phone call. He said that we were better off not studying or if my mom wanted it so badly, she should take.my siblings out of private school and send them to public school. He said I should get out of my university as well and just go to a public college.

He doesn’t care that we want to receive the best education possible. This wasn’t the first year he tried to push us into changing schools. My mom refused. In all honesty, to get by well in this country, you must study in a private school. That is an advantage later on when you are trying to find work. Also you receive more opportunities in private school, more chances to learn. My father cares not for that.

It would’ve been somewhat understandable if my father was having financial problems too as he claimed. It would be believable if only he didn’t have the latest gadgets or if he wasn’t able to buy that new big flat screen tv or fix up his house and bathroom.

But what really got to me was his insults. I am very protective of my mother. She does everything she can to make us live comfortably. She is the bread winner in the family as well as the bread winner in the extended family with our grandparents and my two aunts who are struggling to find work.

Out of anger at my father having the nerve to talk so badly of my mama, I posted on Facebook. A message that explained everything. It was full of raw emotion, vulgar words and plain old truth. The opposite of this post. I’m A lot calmer and composed.

Everything that had bottled up since I was a child unleashed itself in the form of angry words. I posted it publicly because I wanted to let the people he lied to know what really is the truth.

The post was spun from hurt, frustration, disbelief and the sad feeling of being fed up.

Now my father is angry. Though he is angry about the message and focused on something I said instead of looking at why I said it and what could possibly had been the reason for such an outburst.

He still didn’t get it. I don’t know where this is going but my mother had started talking to an attorney and despite having no funds my mother insists that all three of us will still go to school this coming school year.

I don’t know how my mama is going to do it. Pay for all our tuitions as well as books and school supplies and transportation not to mention food. A lot is on her shoulders.

She refused for me to work though. She said that if I start earning money I may be too excited to still study, I disagree but she insist that I focus solely on studies.

Right now I’m trying to stay positive. Praying for guidance and for my mom. She works overtime and sells a little food on the side. My grandparents have no jobs but derives income from some land we lend out. They help somewhat lessen my mom’s burden though it isn’t really enough.

Everyone is sprung up and I’m losing a little sleep with worrying but the fact that we still have food on our table, a roof over our heads and electricity, water and Wi-Fi. We aren’t being forsaken by the only father I’ve turned to all my life. Despite everything going on, I know we can get through this.

A lot of people don’t believe in God but I’ve seen enough miracles in my life that I believe that there is no doubt someone up there is caring for us.

I’m uncertain of what is to come but I’m not so scared now. Everything I feel, I offer to God. My hurt and pain and anger, everything. As for my father, I offer prayers for him, hoping he could find understanding and maybe peace. I don’t know what to feel for him since our relationship was always strained and after years of being envious of my friend’s relationships with their dads…I don’t know. I’m just going to leave it all to faith and fate.

How I’m surviving Pre-hell season (AKA FRESHMAN COLLEGE FINALS WEEK) + quote of the week

First and foremost….

I’m not.

Work has me by the throat and It’s slowly killing me. I’m deprived of air and i Just can’t take a breather.

And the worst of it all? I’m only a freshmen…it’ll only get harder.

My professors are adding up work everywhere! I think they forgot that their subject is NOT our only subject. I’m hardly getting enough sleep and I’m going crazy with all the papers I need to write and rewrite and look over and critique. I have so many quizzes to study for. Finals are on May 13 to 15. Usually I’d be studying at around this time but even I don’t have time to study. I need to get the papers out of the way first.

“Teachers! I’m human too! I’m no robot who can spend lots of time in class and still get piled up with work at home.”

I can’t even read what I wanna read! I’m a literature major! I’m in it for the books and I can’t even have the books…

cruel.

I’m only posting this because I need an outlet. My brain is fried and I have the worst case of AUTHORS BLOCK at the worst time possible. I’m craving for sweets (i’m a sweet tooth) and coffee. I need to keep awake.

I think the best way to survive though is to keep time for everything. Even if it’s a few minutes.

My advise if you’d ever be in my place (or are already in my place): Don’t forget to take care of yourself. And I mean physically, mentally and spiritually.

People. you important and don’t ya ever forget it.

Working and studying and trying to get things done well is great but if you need a break. Take a break before you break.

Okay? Okay

Bright side now. I have about 22 or so more days then SWEET FREEDOM BABY!!!!!!!!!

OH YEAH!!!!!

I just gotta get through the right now. It’s seems soooooo impossible but I’ll get through it. I know I can (Or at least I want to believe I can.)

I’ll leave you peeps off with a quote for the week.

Forget trying to make other people proud. Start caring about making yourself proud of you.

I’m done working my tushy to make people proud. I want to be proud of myself and not always look at others for affirmation and praise and reassurance. My goal right now is to end my freshman year with no regrets, no negative feelings and thoughts on myself. I wanna be proud of me. I’m getting through this tough school year, I’m tired and ready to rest but at least I know I’m on the right track; worrying on the right things to worry about and knowing this is gonna pay off.

How?

It could be that fuzzy feeling I got when my Challenge-Activity in logic turned out so right and I all I wanted was to pass (I don’t know how I did it but majority didn’t)

My initial thought was “That’s rare. Probably won’t happen again.” but then, there was that voice deep inside me saying “You got it in you all along. You just didn’t know it yet. Allow yourself happiness in your achievement.” And I smiled going to my locker allowing myself to be proud for that moment.

Or…

Maybe the feeling of pure elation when I found out that I didn’t fail math AND my grade was higher than I initially thought it would be.

or….

The feeling of breathless joy when I received a text from the audition judges for Hi-5 Philippines and I passed to the next round.

If I really think of it. I did pretty good. I just wasn’t giving myself that much credit.

Maybe you’re like me…?

Do you give yourself enough credit?

I know you could get through whatever you are facing right now. While you do that, I’m gonna kill this paper and then sleep with a smile on my face this morning.

It’s 12:11. Good Morning!!!!